FAITH
I am not, nor have I ever been a particularly religious
person. To be perfectly honest, I strongly doubt that I ever will be. I am of
the school of thought that in order for something to exist, there must be
empirical evidence to validate its existence. I should be able to experience it
with my senses, if I cannot see it, smell it, touch it, taste it, or hear it, I
have a hard time believing that it can exist. For a very lengthy period of my
life, I was quite adamant that if there was this thing or person called "God,"
then there could be absolutely no way he was this loving, caring, benevolent
being that everyone painted him out to be. Did people not look around I
wondered? Did they not see the world for what it was? Were they just ignoring
the ugliness of and often times despicable acts of their fellow man? In my
travels I have seen things that I truly wish I could un-see, un-learn,
un-experience and never have to think about again. I have witnesses first hand
the deplorable acts one man will visit on another for disagreeing with his
point of view. How many violent acts and how many wars have been fought in the
name of "God" or religion?
Here is my answer to that question: None. Violence and war are acts committed by man against man and in the name of man. Mankind as a whole is confused, weak, and scared. What do people in these mindsets do? Act irrationally and then try to justify their actions by placing blame everywhere but where it belongs, on themselves. What better scapegoat than something that cannot necessarily be proven to exist, or not exist. Now, many of you probably assumed that up until this point I was probably going to go on this anti God rant and rave. Not even remotely the case. Just because I personally do not believe in such an entity, doesn't mean that I should try and force my point of view on any of the people reading this. I also don't believe that people can predict the future, but Nostradamus sure did a pretty good job illustrating what he believed the future would hold. I also accept that there are things that I cannot, and will not ever be able to understand or fully wrap my mind around.
Here is my answer to that question: None. Violence and war are acts committed by man against man and in the name of man. Mankind as a whole is confused, weak, and scared. What do people in these mindsets do? Act irrationally and then try to justify their actions by placing blame everywhere but where it belongs, on themselves. What better scapegoat than something that cannot necessarily be proven to exist, or not exist. Now, many of you probably assumed that up until this point I was probably going to go on this anti God rant and rave. Not even remotely the case. Just because I personally do not believe in such an entity, doesn't mean that I should try and force my point of view on any of the people reading this. I also don't believe that people can predict the future, but Nostradamus sure did a pretty good job illustrating what he believed the future would hold. I also accept that there are things that I cannot, and will not ever be able to understand or fully wrap my mind around.
==========Break============
I wrote everything up to the "Break" between seven
and seven thirty this morning. It is now four twenty six in the afternoon. Now
I must rewind and go back to before that point, detailing my actions between
now and then. I returned home from the gym around six fifteen. I was fairly
exhausted but my mind was amped up. I've been trying the whole meditation thing
lately, I sit cross legged on the couch and listen to Mozart while trying to
relax and clear and my mind. I did this until six forty five-ish, then I gave
up because it just didn't seem to be working today. I got up, made a protein
shake, and began Facebooking. I was surprised to see the amount of religious
related material posted by other people, mostly because I already had this post
started in my mind and knew it would be about the very same subject. First I
saw a story about a smoker going to church which I shared. Then I saw a video,
which I will embed at the end of this posting. It nearly brought me to tears.
It also further validated my thought that this was the post that I was supposed
to be writing today.
I got in the shower and couldn't stop thinking about a moment from my past when I felt what the LDS would refer to as the spirit. At the time I referred to it as a group of guys getting together and being genuinely concerned about our first trip to the sandbox. Feelings are contagious, I assumed that is why I was moved that day. Here is the background on that. Before deploying to Ramadi back in 2005, we were required to spend a month at theNational
Training Center
in Ft. Irwin , California Fire Direction
Control Center
Now it was Sunday morning, and being a National Guard Unit fromUtah the Battery held a
makeshift LDS service with the people that weren't preoccupied with other things
at that moment. I had nothing better to do, and having spent the better part of
the last five months living in a Humvee with a fairly religious guy, it wasn't
hard for him to talk me into attending this service. All I remember of it was
standing in a circle with maybe a dozen other Soldiers, I'm sure we talked
about the upcoming mission. At this point we knew where we were headed in
theater, Time magazine had labeled it the most dangerous place on Earth that
month. Fallujah had already fallen and all the bad guys that weren't killed or
captured had fled to a city to the west, which one? Yup, Ramadi, right where we
were going. The reports we had received were terrifying, that place was quite
literally the wild west. Soldiers were dying on a daily basis there. There was
a genuine terrifying concern we wouldn't be bringing everyone home with us. It
was a very somber service. Anyways, one of the only parts I truly recall was
the prayer given by a Lieutenant, as he began speaking the words: "Dear
Lord....." the men in that circle bowed their heads. I watched as they
crossed their hands in front of them, some crossed their arms over their
chests, but all bowed their heads. I can't remember any of the other words, but
as I looked around the circle of men with whom I now stood, a genuine feeling
of love and camaraderie fell over even me, and for the first, and one of only
times in my life, I bowed my head in prayer with them.
I said my own prayer that day. I had grown to know and love these men with whom I was about to be tested in the fires of combat with. I had become especially close to our Platoon Sergeant, that was unavoidable having lived in a Humvee with him for the better part of five months. I knew he, and many other of the men standing there would be leaving wives and children behind as we embarked on this path that all Soldiers hope to step foot on, but dread at the same time. As I said my own prayer, I spoke to this God which I had little to no faith in, but whom they all loved so much. I did not ask him for protection that day, in fact, I did not ask him for anything. I TOLD him only thing. If you must have the life of a Soldier from this unit in the coming months or year, you will have mine. I am unmarried, I am childless, I have struggled with every aspect of life so far with the exception of the Military. It would not be right for him to take a father, husband, brother, doctor, police officer, or any other person who contributed to society outside of that uniform. I had grown up dreaming of being G.I. Joe. Like Lieutenant Dan in Forest Gump, I did not plan on returning home. When the prayer was finished, we all stood there for a long silent moment. This feeling, the "spirit" was obviously being felt by all who had attended this make shift service. I have rarely given that day a second thought since then.
As I showered I had two predominate thoughts on my mind, this makeshift LDS service from way back in 2005, and the title to my next Facebook Post. Faith. When I got out of the shower I dressed, then turned my phone to airplane mode (I do not like distractions when I am writing), then turned on some Mozart and began typing. The first two paragraphs came out no problem and rather quickly. As I was finishing the second one a strange feeling had begun to creep over me, not a terrible feeling, but definitely not a good feeling. I could no longer focus. I got up and went into the kitchen, for some reason this morning I had also decided that, just to see how it would go, today I would act completely on impulse. If I was tired, I was going to sleep, regardless of the time. If I was hungry, I was going to eat, even if it wasn't a meal time. If I felt like going back to the gym, I would. Today I would not weigh the consequences of feeding any of my bodies messages to me, I would only act on them as soon as they were delivered. Why was this so important to me this morning? I couldn't tell ya, I just felt that it was extremely important that I do that.
I milled around the kitchen for a few minutes, looking through the fridge and pantry, but seeing nothing to my liking I decided to instead go outside and smoke a cigarette. The strange feeling I mentioned earlier began to intensify at that point. Death was looming in the air. I could feel it, it had not sunk its claws in yet, but it was in the air. I was certain of this. It was not for my own life that I was concerned at this point. In fact, it was for no ones in particular. But half way through my cigarette, something began to scream at me from inside, it started as a whisper, then grew stronger and stronger. Put out this cigarette, go inside, turn on your phone. NOW. I tried to ignore it, it repeated and grew louder. NOW. Oh, yeah, I am supposed to be acting completely on impulse today. Toss the smoke and go inside. I picked up my phone and stared at it. I was petrified. I was going to turn it on and find out that something terrible had happened to someone that I cared about. I was certain of this. I laid down in bed and shut airplane mode off. I waited. Still petrified. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one...... VIBRATE. You have one new message.
I opened my messages folder, and saw who it was from. The person that I am house sitting for. Shit no, shit no, shit no. He is quite literally like a brother to me. I opened the message and it was just a will you shut my sprinklers off message. Nothing more. We exchanged a few texts and that was that. Other than that my phone was silent. I sat and waited some more, the feeling had still not left me. I waited and waited for about thirty minutes, finally convincing myself that I was crazy, hungry, and dehydrated. Wait, I'm hungry, I'll go get breakfast. Finish breakfast and start watching the Cosmos show I am watching on Netflix. Episode two is all about evolution and how science can undeniably prove that happened now. The narrator did not do what I assumed and denounce spirituality at this point. He praised it and said how he personally thought the two could now, more than ever be combined. Odd I thought, usually there are scientists, and there are religious people. Very rarely are they one in the same.
I still had this feeling, but it had worn me out and the next episode of the Cosmos show was coming on. I looked at my phone, a few facebook notices and messages but no emergencies. I turned the ringer up anyways and dozed off. This poor girl from Cedar was driving down to see me and drop off a sample of this new supplement Thrive. Maybe this stuff would make this feeling go away. Thirty minutes later my phone rings, I don't recognize the number, but that's not all that unusual these days so I answer. It's a friend of mines wife. He only recently re-entered my life but we are close, he deployed with me to Ramadi. Someone needed help, Military One Source didn't seem to be cutting it, he told her to call me. I would know how to help, I'm running this thing called CSTA. What could I do she asked? All I can say further into this matter is that I truly believe this giant family that shares the common bond of having a loved one who served came together today and truly helped someone. I started my day with Faith, and I now close it with Faith. Did I find God today?
I got in the shower and couldn't stop thinking about a moment from my past when I felt what the LDS would refer to as the spirit. At the time I referred to it as a group of guys getting together and being genuinely concerned about our first trip to the sandbox. Feelings are contagious, I assumed that is why I was moved that day. Here is the background on that. Before deploying to Ramadi back in 2005, we were required to spend a month at the
Now it was Sunday morning, and being a National Guard Unit from
I said my own prayer that day. I had grown to know and love these men with whom I was about to be tested in the fires of combat with. I had become especially close to our Platoon Sergeant, that was unavoidable having lived in a Humvee with him for the better part of five months. I knew he, and many other of the men standing there would be leaving wives and children behind as we embarked on this path that all Soldiers hope to step foot on, but dread at the same time. As I said my own prayer, I spoke to this God which I had little to no faith in, but whom they all loved so much. I did not ask him for protection that day, in fact, I did not ask him for anything. I TOLD him only thing. If you must have the life of a Soldier from this unit in the coming months or year, you will have mine. I am unmarried, I am childless, I have struggled with every aspect of life so far with the exception of the Military. It would not be right for him to take a father, husband, brother, doctor, police officer, or any other person who contributed to society outside of that uniform. I had grown up dreaming of being G.I. Joe. Like Lieutenant Dan in Forest Gump, I did not plan on returning home. When the prayer was finished, we all stood there for a long silent moment. This feeling, the "spirit" was obviously being felt by all who had attended this make shift service. I have rarely given that day a second thought since then.
As I showered I had two predominate thoughts on my mind, this makeshift LDS service from way back in 2005, and the title to my next Facebook Post. Faith. When I got out of the shower I dressed, then turned my phone to airplane mode (I do not like distractions when I am writing), then turned on some Mozart and began typing. The first two paragraphs came out no problem and rather quickly. As I was finishing the second one a strange feeling had begun to creep over me, not a terrible feeling, but definitely not a good feeling. I could no longer focus. I got up and went into the kitchen, for some reason this morning I had also decided that, just to see how it would go, today I would act completely on impulse. If I was tired, I was going to sleep, regardless of the time. If I was hungry, I was going to eat, even if it wasn't a meal time. If I felt like going back to the gym, I would. Today I would not weigh the consequences of feeding any of my bodies messages to me, I would only act on them as soon as they were delivered. Why was this so important to me this morning? I couldn't tell ya, I just felt that it was extremely important that I do that.
I milled around the kitchen for a few minutes, looking through the fridge and pantry, but seeing nothing to my liking I decided to instead go outside and smoke a cigarette. The strange feeling I mentioned earlier began to intensify at that point. Death was looming in the air. I could feel it, it had not sunk its claws in yet, but it was in the air. I was certain of this. It was not for my own life that I was concerned at this point. In fact, it was for no ones in particular. But half way through my cigarette, something began to scream at me from inside, it started as a whisper, then grew stronger and stronger. Put out this cigarette, go inside, turn on your phone. NOW. I tried to ignore it, it repeated and grew louder. NOW. Oh, yeah, I am supposed to be acting completely on impulse today. Toss the smoke and go inside. I picked up my phone and stared at it. I was petrified. I was going to turn it on and find out that something terrible had happened to someone that I cared about. I was certain of this. I laid down in bed and shut airplane mode off. I waited. Still petrified. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one...... VIBRATE. You have one new message.
I opened my messages folder, and saw who it was from. The person that I am house sitting for. Shit no, shit no, shit no. He is quite literally like a brother to me. I opened the message and it was just a will you shut my sprinklers off message. Nothing more. We exchanged a few texts and that was that. Other than that my phone was silent. I sat and waited some more, the feeling had still not left me. I waited and waited for about thirty minutes, finally convincing myself that I was crazy, hungry, and dehydrated. Wait, I'm hungry, I'll go get breakfast. Finish breakfast and start watching the Cosmos show I am watching on Netflix. Episode two is all about evolution and how science can undeniably prove that happened now. The narrator did not do what I assumed and denounce spirituality at this point. He praised it and said how he personally thought the two could now, more than ever be combined. Odd I thought, usually there are scientists, and there are religious people. Very rarely are they one in the same.
I still had this feeling, but it had worn me out and the next episode of the Cosmos show was coming on. I looked at my phone, a few facebook notices and messages but no emergencies. I turned the ringer up anyways and dozed off. This poor girl from Cedar was driving down to see me and drop off a sample of this new supplement Thrive. Maybe this stuff would make this feeling go away. Thirty minutes later my phone rings, I don't recognize the number, but that's not all that unusual these days so I answer. It's a friend of mines wife. He only recently re-entered my life but we are close, he deployed with me to Ramadi. Someone needed help, Military One Source didn't seem to be cutting it, he told her to call me. I would know how to help, I'm running this thing called CSTA. What could I do she asked? All I can say further into this matter is that I truly believe this giant family that shares the common bond of having a loved one who served came together today and truly helped someone. I started my day with Faith, and I now close it with Faith. Did I find God today?
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